The First Attempt

Kay Nahm had a typical Christian upbringing. Her family came from a line of pastors from Korea, and since she was young, she was always singled out as the good kid. She was a little leader to everyone. But in secret, she was hurting.

“I was 13 when it was my first attempt at suicide. I tried to swallow a whole bottle of Advil, and I had a knife next to me just in case I lived.”

Kay explained that she never felt loved, especially by her mother. Kay felt a distance she couldn’t explain, and on top of that, she didn’t understand Jesus’ love, no matter how many times it was preached at church. It was nothing but words and emptiness; and one day, that emptiness overtook her.

“The funniest thing is I trained my family to knock on the door before entering. I put signs! I posted them on my door and I made sure that everyone always knocked, but that day my mom didn’t knock. She just walked in.”

Moving

As Kay continued sharing her story with me over mango iced tea and stir-fry noodles, she had a casual and even humorous attitude about her past. She tried her best to describe what happened after her first suicide attempt — it seemed that it was just the tipping point. And she blamed it on not being able to fully realize her self worth. 

Kay ended up moving to Seattle for college, where she attended the Cornish College of the Arts. She wanted to be an actor. But that haunting lack of self worth followed her.

The Guy at the Bar

She met a bartender at a bar. He pursued her relentlessly, and eventually he became the go-to bartender for her nights out with friends. 

Kay joked, “I really wish Pinterest was around then so I could see words of wisdom on boards so they could tell me ‘A real man doesn’t do that!’ I really wish I had that!”

She needed it because this guy eventually became bad news.

“He told me he wasn’t married, but he turned out to be married. And we had been dating for a good couple of months.”

Guilt and shame ensued. Kay didn’t know how to get out and he manipulated her into thinking he was getting a divorce, but it always turned out to be the same. He was still married and she was still stuck, unable to realize her self worth and stand up for herself. 

A short time later, things escalated. 

“Is it because I was curious about sex? Is it because it was my fault because I couldn’t say no? When you are sexually taken advantage of or raped, you always want to blame yourself.”

She was raped twice more following the first incident. After that, any logical person might wonder why she stuck around. Why didn’t she run? But nothing about her situation was as simple as walking away. Kay described it as a bad cycle: loving him, yet being hurt by him, but still loving him. 

“I remember my fear was something I knew very well. Like it was a dear friend to me. My guilt. My embarrassment. My shame. When was this going to end?”

It wasn’t until after Kay thought she was pregnant that she really woke up. She cut off all connection with him. She stopped seeing him, stopped taking his calls, stopped texting him. He tried to get back into her life, told her he was schizophrenic, and even showed up at her work. But she’d had enough. 

However, even though Kay had discarded the physical form of him, what her ex-boyfriend did left deep emotional scars.

“I didn’t like being touched by men. When men would touch me, I would cringe. I had so much fear revolving around me I couldn’t do anything properly. Sometimes I couldn’t even sit in a chair because I didn’t like how my vagina had to touch the chair sometimes. If I sat a certain way ... I needed a cushion but if that cushion was a certain way ... it was uncomfortable. I could not be touched there. I could not do anything. It turned into a war zone, almost. ”

Mom’s Confession

Finally, Kay’s mom came to visit her in Seattle. It was no doubt the Holy Spirit’s leading, Kay reflected. 

The visit was anything but smooth. Earlier in our conversation, Kay had described the state of her apartment: the mess, layers upon layers of clothes, and any other crap you could think of. It was barely habitable, but Kay wasn’t trying to hide the lifestyle she was living from her mom. 

She partied as usual, but that didn’t stop her mom from praying for her while she was out on the street. The night before her mom left, they had a discussion about Kay’s sexuality — that was when the confession came.

“I tried to have a miscarriage with you,” her mom confessed. 

It was the first time the two had ever acknowledged any issues between them. Her mom continued, detailing how she wasn’t prepared to have another child, but that she really loved Kay no matter what. And then, she asked for her daughter’s forgiveness. 

As sudden as this confession was, it was a moment of epiphany for Kay. 

“No wonder I thought I wasn’t loved. No wonder, all this time, whenever I looked at [my mom], I tried so hard to run to [her], but [she] just kept pushing me away.”

Memories of being turned away and of rejected affection finally made sense. And while there was pain, there was also understanding and healing. Kay forgave her mother because, after 23 years of life, she now understood the indecipherable feelings that led to her first suicide attempt as a teenager. 

It was a part of her past that she could make sense of now and be free from. 

Moving Home

And just as you’d like to think God would work His usual transforming and redeeming magic, things didn’t go as smoothly as you’d expect after this breakthrough moment. 

Kay continued in her old ways and she started drinking more, smoking more. 

A family friend called her out. Told her to go home, to go back to her Bethel, but the lies kept creeping up on Kay.

And on one of her many drunken nights, she called up her sister. Kay chuckled as she recalled the conversation, confessing to me that she actually didn’t remember much of it. All she knew was that God was pursuing her again.

Kay’s sister urged her to move home to Southern California. And as hurt (and drunk) as she was, Kay couldn’t really understand why she agreed to go home. Every part of her body wanted to stay in Seattle, but the Lord had other plans. 

“Becase He loved me, I have made it this far. I can assert that,” Kay said. “I knew God was there. I just felt so bad that I had ignored Him for so long. I didn’t want to ask Him for help. But when you’re drunk, you ask anyone for help!”

God’s Redemption

It wasn’t an easy transition. She had relapses and constantly felt angry, sad, and depressed. It wasn’t until she decided to commit six months to Youth With a Mission (YWAM) that healing in her life began — particularly during the week of healing ministry she experienced at YWAM.

“I nearly cried the whole week. I needed to heal,” Kay said. 

It was the tangible experience of God that made room for change. Like many of us, Kay already had most of the head knowledge, but at YWAM she was able to live out the Word, and that created space in her heart for God to reclaim the broken parts of her past.

“That used to be the biggest thing that ever happened to me. That he raped me. That used to be the thing that ruined me and ripped me apart. 

“It’s only now that I feel strong enough to say this story and not feel that I have to hide somewhere or make sure that he’s not standing behind me.”

Now, four years later, God’s brought healing and He’s still working to mold and transform her. Kay is working in theater therapy and wants to go back to school to pursue a degree. She’s even working with kids that were the same age as she was when she first attempted suicide. 

“Because God loves me, I’m not broken anymore. I’m being used now to work with youth so that they never have to feel the way that I feel.”